Victories of the Heart - by our sister in India

Tonight four girls sat at my kitchen table over
candlelight and I led a simple creative writing session.
Sister was making mango banana lassis for us in the
kitchen, but when she finished she heard the depth of our
conversation, so she stayed in the kitchen (pantry) and
prayed. I had wondered why the lassis were taking SO long
and what could she possibly be doing in the kitchen
(pantry). but afterward when she told me I was so thankful
that she had staid back to pray.

Walking back from class today I resolved to lead a
creative writing session tonight. In my spirit I
immediately knew I would share about the tongue, and our
ability to speak life instead of death (Prov 18:21). On
my way to our door I stopped in the girls' place to ask
Avita, the oldest, what time would be best for them.
Instead of her usual "Anything you want to do Didi, at
whatever time you want.", Avita looked at me sleepily and
said, "Could we have session tomorrow?" I was so thrown
off by her unusual reaction that I almost agreed and
headed home for a nap instead, but something in me said,
"There is resistance for a reason. No, tonight we need to
have session". So Avita agreed and we planned on 7
o'clock.

The girls arrived and we sat down in the dim light. They
had journals with them, but looked a little apprehensive,
as we had only done art projects together. I opened to
Proverbs 18 and read that in our tongue is both life and
death. I told them that others have spoken death over us.
In the darkest times the enemy has fed us lies and we
have believed them. When we believe the lies we give them
power over us. The only way to fight deceit is with
Truth. Satan is the father of lies, but God is the father
of Truth. We find truth in His word. and Truth in the
words of others. We just need His discernment to identify
the Truth from the lies. I asked them to ask the Father
to show them the lies they had believed in the darkest
times, and to receive Truth from Him instead. This concept
is so simple, but as the girls prayed and then began
writing, I realized how universal the need for words of
Life are for each of us, no matter what our childhood
held. In dark times for each of us we were given a lie
and we swallowed it. "I am useless. I am unlovable. I
deserved to be abused." As I wrote in my journal I began
to hear sniffling, and I knew that the Spirit was working.
I prayed they were also listening to His words of Truth.

Unsure if the girls would share, I asked them to share
anything that the Father had shown them. Avita began.
She had been haunted with thoughts of filth and
self-loathing. She said that she thought, "My body cannot
be the temple of the Holy Spirit. It has been ruined; it
could never be holy. I can never be your temple, Lord",
and as she opened to write she was filled with sadness.
But Avita shared that while she wrote she suddenly began
to realize that by His grace she is holy, that the word is
also for her, and she is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Her
face glowed and shoulders straightened as she told us that
she is God's temple and He has taken away the sins that
others imposed on her. We were all teary eyed and
silently struck by the Truth that Avita had found. I
could have told her she was pure and holy fifty times, but
until the Spirit allowed her to realize its truth, she
would never believe. Immediately Miti told me that all
day today she had been remembering words she had heard all
her life, "You are stupid-you can't study. You are ugly.
You are worthless." and that she knew God was speaking to
her tonight. I told her that she was the reason that He
prompted me to lead this session, of all the sessions I
could have lead. But I also knew that the other three
were His reasons too. He knew that all four needed to
hear from Him tonight, and He used their journals to do
it.

Two girls shared their entire lives' testimonies. one had
been sold by her mother as a live-in servant at 10.
Another was born in Nepal, hated and abused by her
brothers and mother, attempted suicide several times, and
walked a long path of rejection before coming here.
Tonight I told Anika that it always surprises me: I
suggest any number of topics to share, but many always
share their very long and painful histories. I don't know
if they think that's what I want to hear, or if they just
really need someone to share their story with. But each
one also radiates as she tells of God's faithfulness in
bringing her here and showing her love for the first time
in her life. Maybe she knows that she is bringing Him
glory. It is certainly a victory of the mind-a choice to
believe that He truly has turned our ashes to beauty and
mourning to joy. We took several victories tonight.
Tomorrow we will have an Affirmation Circle and the girls
will practice speaking Life into their sisters. Then
we'll use these words of life to create Name Poems, with
the girl's name going down the left side of the page and
each letter of the name beginning a good quality about
her. we must practice believing the truth and promises He
gives us. Yes, I pray that tomorrow brings even deeper
victories of the heart.

A nagging feeling of blah - Kristen Lorene

I’ve been inspired! I’ve also spent a whole week laying on the sofa getting over bronchitis, so I’m a little antsy. But mainly I’m inspired.

Today I found a rather amazing blog. Mars Hill church in Seattle has a series of blogs on different categories/themes. One of those blogs is written by women for women about things women all go through. As I was browsing the archives and learning about how not to get married (a satire article) it occurred to me that I really wished I could do something like that. You know write little blurbs and articles on God and life. Maybe it’s God’s stirring in my heart to go in that direction eventually or maybe I just want to be well known and influential (and honestly I do). Either way, I was gripped by a nagging feeling of blah. You know, those moments when you wonder if there isn’t something better out there, something more fulfilling or exciting. I began to think of all the women I know and how much happier they seem to be. Many of my friends are married and having babies, some are exploring running their own business, some are so talented artistically that I want to slap them for not being famous already, and some are grad students working hard at careers in fields I can’t even spell. “What am I doing with my life?!”, I asked myself. I bet I could be making a lot more money or I could be changing the world somehow. And since I had a computer and all the time in the world, I started searching on line for new options.

No I didn’t find anything amazing. God didn’t miraculously reveal to me that yes I was not using all my potential or brain power and that this job over here was what I was born to do. He didn’t reveal some hidden talent or dream deep inside my heart that would satisfy my longing for personal fulfillment. Rather I felt a dull ache as I looked a web site after web site, till again I sighed “blah”. I felt talentless, useless, like I was wasting my life doing routine daily tasks. I put the computer away in a huff of self pity and watched the news. After a few minutes I picked the computer back up to give it one more shot, maybe just maybe I had over looked something. Better yet maybe that blog site I found earlier in the day would have some wisdom on women in the working world.

What I found was disappointment. One of the writers wrote about how she had finally become a mom and quite her job to stay at home, as she had been hoping to do her whole pregnancy, only to find that she found herself deeply unhappy. As I read about her struggle to keep her unhappiness a secret, I thought about how many times I’ve put on a happy face while inside despairing that I was the only one unhappy with my lot in life. She shared the agony of the ugliness in her heart, the fear of being found out, the bitterness she was beginning to feel towards women who were happy in their lives. Then she put words to exactly what I have been feeling. “I couldn’t tell [my husband] that I was a sinner who loved my own sin, even if it did lead to death. It wasn’t enough to be valued by God and to have my identity in Christ. I wanted the world to value me. I didn’t want to be appreciated for scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I wanted to be validated by a pay check and the empty praise from others “in my field.”

It shook me, that statement was true about me, too. Hadn’t I spent all day trying to find a way to be more valuable, worthy of more praise? Hadn’t I spent all week doing nothing due to my illness and that was when this wave of discontentment swept over me? Don’t I do everything at my job to prove I’m competent, smart, and a valuable member of society? Yes, it’s all true. I’ve turned from God to find my identity and worth in work – even my work for Him at MERCYhouse. I had to admit my sin in buying into the lie that God was not enough for me or that his plan for my life was not good enough.

Like the author of the article I wish I could say this from the other side of the battle, after the victory had already been won. It’s going to be a long war to keep turning from this lie and walking back to God. I’m sure He’s going to have to re-teach me this lesson again and again in the future. Today it might be work, tomorrow singlehood, the next day financial stability, the next my body image….there are so many things in which I try to find my worth besides God. In fact I know He will keep bringing this up, because he loves me so much that he won’t let me stay in my sin. And so also like the author I praise God saying, “Lord, I thank you for giving me life and for loving me first. Thank you for giving me grace when I was undeserving. Thank you for knowing me in my sin. You have given me what I needed when I have asked for what I wanted. You have blessed me when I was undeserving and have shown me patience in my self-righteousness. Thank you for being a jealous God who desires true transformation and not just outward obedience. Thank you for continuing your work in me. I long for the day when it will be finished and I can truly be reconciled to you. I pray that I will love You above all others and that I would worship the one true God. I pray that I will give my whole heart to you. I pray for sanctification. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for grace. Thank you for your glory. Amen.”

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