I’ve been inspired! I’ve also spent a whole week laying on the sofa getting over bronchitis, so I’m a little antsy. But mainly I’m inspired.
Today I found a rather amazing blog. Mars Hill church in Seattle has a series of blogs on different categories/themes. One of those blogs is written by women for women about things women all go through. As I was browsing the archives and learning about how not to get married (a satire article) it occurred to me that I really wished I could do something like that. You know write little blurbs and articles on God and life. Maybe it’s God’s stirring in my heart to go in that direction eventually or maybe I just want to be well known and influential (and honestly I do). Either way, I was gripped by a nagging feeling of blah. You know, those moments when you wonder if there isn’t something better out there, something more fulfilling or exciting. I began to think of all the women I know and how much happier they seem to be. Many of my friends are married and having babies, some are exploring running their own business, some are so talented artistically that I want to slap them for not being famous already, and some are grad students working hard at careers in fields I can’t even spell. “What am I doing with my life?!”, I asked myself. I bet I could be making a lot more money or I could be changing the world somehow. And since I had a computer and all the time in the world, I started searching on line for new options.
No I didn’t find anything amazing. God didn’t miraculously reveal to me that yes I was not using all my potential or brain power and that this job over here was what I was born to do. He didn’t reveal some hidden talent or dream deep inside my heart that would satisfy my longing for personal fulfillment. Rather I felt a dull ache as I looked a web site after web site, till again I sighed “blah”. I felt talentless, useless, like I was wasting my life doing routine daily tasks. I put the computer away in a huff of self pity and watched the news. After a few minutes I picked the computer back up to give it one more shot, maybe just maybe I had over looked something. Better yet maybe that blog site I found earlier in the day would have some wisdom on women in the working world.
What I found was disappointment. One of the writers wrote about how she had finally become a mom and quite her job to stay at home, as she had been hoping to do her whole pregnancy, only to find that she found herself deeply unhappy. As I read about her struggle to keep her unhappiness a secret, I thought about how many times I’ve put on a happy face while inside despairing that I was the only one unhappy with my lot in life. She shared the agony of the ugliness in her heart, the fear of being found out, the bitterness she was beginning to feel towards women who were happy in their lives. Then she put words to exactly what I have been feeling. “I couldn’t tell [my husband] that I was a sinner who loved my own sin, even if it did lead to death. It wasn’t enough to be valued by God and to have my identity in Christ. I wanted the world to value me. I didn’t want to be appreciated for scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I wanted to be validated by a pay check and the empty praise from others “in my field.”
It shook me, that statement was true about me, too. Hadn’t I spent all day trying to find a way to be more valuable, worthy of more praise? Hadn’t I spent all week doing nothing due to my illness and that was when this wave of discontentment swept over me? Don’t I do everything at my job to prove I’m competent, smart, and a valuable member of society? Yes, it’s all true. I’ve turned from God to find my identity and worth in work – even my work for Him at MERCYhouse. I had to admit my sin in buying into the lie that God was not enough for me or that his plan for my life was not good enough.
Like the author of the article I wish I could say this from the other side of the battle, after the victory had already been won. It’s going to be a long war to keep turning from this lie and walking back to God. I’m sure He’s going to have to re-teach me this lesson again and again in the future. Today it might be work, tomorrow singlehood, the next day financial stability, the next my body image….there are so many things in which I try to find my worth besides God. In fact I know He will keep bringing this up, because he loves me so much that he won’t let me stay in my sin. And so also like the author I praise God saying, “Lord, I thank you for giving me life and for loving me first. Thank you for giving me grace when I was undeserving. Thank you for knowing me in my sin. You have given me what I needed when I have asked for what I wanted. You have blessed me when I was undeserving and have shown me patience in my self-righteousness. Thank you for being a jealous God who desires true transformation and not just outward obedience. Thank you for continuing your work in me. I long for the day when it will be finished and I can truly be reconciled to you. I pray that I will love You above all others and that I would worship the one true God. I pray that I will give my whole heart to you. I pray for sanctification. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for grace. Thank you for your glory. Amen.”
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